Still Miles to Go

Note: I wrote this blog nearly a month ago and am just now getting around to posting it because a good friend has been asking for it for ages and I thought she could use a small pick-me-up. This one’s for you, Liz…

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Little darling, it’s been a long cold lonely winter
Little darling, it feels like years since it’s been here

This winter has been one full of challenges, stresses, adaptation, loss, learning, sickness, and love. Yes, love. Without it, I’m not sure I would’ve come out as relatively unscathed on this end.

This winter, New England received more snow than it had in years. It was blizzard after blizzard. It was cold and unrelenting. Even worse, my body appeared to be taking lessons.

One thing that I’ve always prided myself on is being able to rise from just about anything and everything stronger and smiling. After December, I was petering on the edge, still smiling, but straining and struggling not to lose myself. But after the second month of medical hell, I wasn’t sure that I wasn’t going to rise.

Because I told myself that I must be honest here (because if I’m not on a blog, then how can I be in person?), I’m going to let you in on my big secret: sometimes I lose hope. I began this winter in one of the darkest places I’ve seen in ages. And I felt as if I was never going to leave. In complete honesty, I was scared and tired. I couldn’t see being carefree and happy again. And I certainly couldn’t see life being “normal” ever again. My rose-colored glasses were lost and trampled and I was in a completely foreign place without them. It was lonely, dark, and cold. Because no one could possibly understand this place. It was vacant and forgotten. And my whole world seemed to be changing.

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Little darling, the smiles returning to the faces
Little darling, it seems like years since it’s been here

In reality, my whole world wasn’t changing. I still had the love of so many people on my side. When I was in the hospital the second time, my beautiful cousin, Lindsay, sent me a homemade box with the word “Smile” stenciled on top. Inside were notes, poems, quotes, and pictures – things she knew would make me smile despite all that was going on. I then placed the dozens of cards, notes, pictures, drawings, and crafts that I had received during my two stays alongside the original contents. That box sits prominently in the living room to remind me to “smile” in those dark days.

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Little darling, I feel that ice is slowly melting
Little darling, it seems like years since it’s been clear

With all the snow, I learned the easiest way to break through the cold was with friends. The first healthy day we had was spent with my “sisters,” three young women who show unending love, compassion, and understanding through these dark days. And how did we spent the day? We got together to celebrate the four recent birthdays and then made the best of all the snow and took to the hills at the local elementary school with the dogs, kiddos, and husbands. It was beautiful and rejuvenating and full of warmth.

I think the best way to let you feel what I felt that day is to show you.

Cuddling up with my favorite boy during the presents and cake

Sarah reading her card to Sasha

Liz is ready for snow!!!

The first run

How the girls get UP the hill: hire a husband/sherpa!

Sasha and Ryan

Sisterly love

How we recovered: cuddled up in bed with hot cocoa, heating pads, and a movie

And I say it’s all right

Lyrics: The Beatles, “Here Comes the Sun”