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Archive for the ‘The way I see it’ Category

Note: I wrote this blog nearly a month ago and am just now getting around to posting it because a good friend has been asking for it for ages and I thought she could use a small pick-me-up. This one’s for you, Liz…

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Little darling, it’s been a long cold lonely winter
Little darling, it feels like years since it’s been here

This winter has been one full of challenges, stresses, adaptation, loss, learning, sickness, and love. Yes, love. Without it, I’m not sure I would’ve come out as relatively unscathed on this end.

This winter, New England received more snow than it had in years. It was blizzard after blizzard. It was cold and unrelenting. Even worse, my body appeared to be taking lessons.

One thing that I’ve always prided myself on is being able to rise from just about anything and everything stronger and smiling. After December, I was petering on the edge, still smiling, but straining and struggling not to lose myself. But after the second month of medical hell, I wasn’t sure that I wasn’t going to rise.

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Author’s note: This is a journal entry I wrote the day after my 26th birthday. While much has changed since then, the core of this entry has not. Therefore, I decided to share it again, the day after my 27th birthday, because it still rings true.

Of all the people that I admire – and there are many – three repeatedly come to mind:
1. Gandhi, because he said, “be the change you wish to see in the world”;
2. Ang, our angel, who lived that change for each of her 22 years;
and
3. My mother, because she reminded me of the belief I shared with Ang and Gandhi.

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[This is the fourth and final part of my No Longer Starving series, a belated editorial for Feeding Tube Awareness Week. As I noted before, life got in the way during the actual awareness week so I’m raising awareness on my own schedule.]

Phew! Ladies and gentlemen, we’ve made it through the world of tubies! I gave you an update on my own situation, a small glossary of terms commonly used in the tubie world, and an overview on types of tubies (and the corresponding who, what, where, when, and why of each). And now I’m to the most important part: the impact. The “so what?” So how is life with a tubie different? Well, everything is different, but nothing has really changed. Confusing? Obviously, as a person, I haven’t changed, but how I interact with the world has. Some days that change seems insurmountable, but on other days, it doesn’t make a dent. Most days, however, it’s somewhere in between.

I know I’m not the only one who feels like this. And maybe it changes, becomes less (or possibly more?) difficult as the years pass. I don’t know. I’m not there yet. But I do know that the good that comes with it (at least in my case) far outweighs the bad.

Because this series has been full of my words (and I know listening to the same person drone on can get old), I wanted to share the words of my friends who have been so helpful with this process. I asked them what they want people to know about feeding tubes and the people who have them.  Here are some of the responses:

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People are often unreasonable, illogical and self centered;
Forgive them anyway.
If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives;
Be kind anyway.
If you are successful, you will win some false friends and some true enemies;
Succeed anyway.
If you are honest and frank, people may cheat you;
Be honest and frank anyway.
What you spend years building, someone could destroy overnight;
Build anyway.
If you find serenity and happiness, they may be jealous;
Be happy anyway.
The good you do today, people will often forget tomorrow;
Do good anyway.
Give the world the best you have, and it may never be enough;
Give the world the best you’ve got anyway.
You see, in the final analysis, it is between you and your God;
It was never between you and them anyway.
-Mother Theresa

Sometimes I can find no words for what’s going on in the world around me. For what’s happening to those I love. For the pain and hurt I see. My solution? I steal words.

Mother Theresa is one of my favorite sources. She finds the words that my heart wants to say but is too distraught, too lost to find.

When I am hurt or see a loved one in pain, my first instinct is to pull it all back, to retreat. I often describe myself as being as vulnerable as a sea cucumber. I’m sensitive and out in the open. My only defense is looking pathetic and harmless enough that no one would want to harm me. (I mean, seriously, have you ever seen a sea cucumber?) But that’s not the answer.

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