Still Miles to Go

Sometimes I forget that my favorite tutee is on the autism spectrum. She is incredibly bright and happy. She’s enthusiastic and engaged. But I get occasional reminders.

Today, my optometry appointment was canceled so I called her mother to see if it would be okay if I came earlier (Wednesdays are half-days for her so I usually come quite early). She asked my tutee. All I could hear on that end of the phone was a resounding NOOOOOOO.

Kids on the spectrum usually live quite rigid lives. Rules are absolute. Schedules are absolute. It’s most certainly not easy.

But that’s not the most difficult part. Those on the spectrum also have difficulty recognizing and mimicking social norms. It means many live isolated lives. It does not, however, mean that they do not have feelings and desires to connect.

My heart breaks each time I hear my tutee wish for friends. Instead, despite all her effort, she gets bullied, judged, and hurt. She stops trying. She becomes withdrawn.

This amazingly beautiful, engaging, intelligent gem becomes socially isolated. And I feel helpless.

What do you tell a child who doesn’t understand why no one will play with her? “Just ignore it?” “You don’t need friends like that?” “It gets better?”

How does that help a child in pain? Ignoring it doesn’t make it go away. Dismissing those “friends” leads to isolation if all “friends” react like that. And does it get better?

I know way too many nasty, judgmental adults to honestly say that.

So how do we help that child in pain?

I don’t honestly have the answer. But I truly believe that answer starts with love and acceptance. We may not be able to help today’s child, but we can certainly try to stop the cycle. We may start by ending judgment within the home. Love your child for whomever he or she may be. Become like this mother and allow your child free self-expression. No matter what that expression may be. Blacklist words like hate, stupid, and ugly. Teach your child to love who he or she is and to love how different everyone else is. To love different languages, shapes, colors, interests, ideas. Teach your child the world isn’t just black and white. Rather, there are a whole spectrum of beautiful colors. And just because he may be “blue” doesn’t mean that “orange” is ugly or bad. Because without blue and orange – and yes, I realize how cliched this may sound – we wouldn’t have something as beautiful as the rainbow.