Still Miles to Go

I will not die an unlived life.
I will not live in fear of falling
Or of catching fire.
I choose to inhabit my days
To allow my living to open me
Making me less afraid
More accessible
To loosen my heart
So that it becomes a wing, a torch, a promise.
I choose to risk my significance.
To live so that that which comes to me as seed
Goes to the next as blossom
And that which comes to me as blossom
Goes on as fruit.
– Dawna Markova

I think I’ve mentioned that I collect quotes, that I steal words when I can’t express myself using my own. If I haven’t mentioned it, well, I collect quotes.

I have childhood-onset Mitochondrial Disease. Yes, it’s (technically) terminal. But so is life. Your life, my life, Bob’s life, Jane’s life… We’re all dying. But despite that, we can choose to live. And I refuse to live an unlived life.

I once again credit my mother and step-father for consistently re-instilling this sentiment in my heart. My footprint may not be large, but it will be deep, brilliant, significant.

My experiences have given me a unique perspective. My family has given me strength. My friends have given me empathy. And my husband has given me life. It is my journey to share these gifts. Not my fate – because I don’t believe in predestination – but not quite my choice. It’s my path in life, and I’m sure of it.

But still I find that it’s easy to become complacent. It’s easy to fear. To fear losing friends, to fear pain, to fear failure. But if I have tried, then I have not lost, I have not failed. The pain, loss, and failure, however, do not dissipate. Rather, they drive me. I carry them with me, always. Because the ability to feel – and not fear that emotion – is instrumental in my life.

For those who doubt: you’re right; optimism is not omnipresent in my life. I fight daily to wake up, to shower, to dress, to put a smile on my face. But it’s not my battle that forces that smile; rather, it’s the battle I fight for those without a clear voice, the battle I fight for you. Because I can.

And so I continue on my path. I write, educate, lobby, learn, hug, care, talk, listen, cry, lead, follow, join, hope, love. And I pray my message, my blossom will one day come to fruition.

Author’s note: At this point, I want to mention that the above post is for me. It’s not meant to be educational, inspiring, or preachy. It’s to remind myself that feeling pain is okay. And the fear of pain should not stop me from living… Take what you wish from the post; it has given me peace. 🙂